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Couples/Marriage Counseling Are you tired of repeating the “crazy cycle” in your marriage? Do you struggle creating and maintaining a successful intimate relationship? Learning to communicate, express feelings and desires is essential to the foundation of every marriage. Many couples need help uncovering the dance they have been performing in their marriage and find new moves that work. Some couples have been devastated by an affair and need help to rebuild their relationship.
My style is interactive and my goal is to provide you with tools that are essential for any relationship. The following is a look at a dance many marriages create (adapted from John Gottman’s, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail).
- CRITICISM: Attacking your partner’s personality or character, usually with the intent of making someone right or someone wrong. REPAIR: Learn to make specific complaints and requests.
- DEFENSIVENESS: Seeing self as the victim and warding off an attack. Example, making excuses, “It’s not my fault” or disagreeing “That’s not true, you are the one…” REPAIR: Claim some responsibility even if it is only 10% your fault. Ask yourself, “What can I learn from this, What can I do about this”.
- CONTEMPT: Attacking your partner’s sense of self. Examples, hostile humor, name calling, body language such as rolling the eyes. REPAIR: Rewrite your inner script with thoughts of appreciation. Validate your partner, acknowledge the good parts.
- STONEWALLING: Withdrawing from the relationship as to avoid conflict. Partners may think they are trying to be neutral but stonewalling conveys disapproval, icy distance, separation and disconnection. REPAIR: Practice getting undefended, allow your partners utterances be what they really are; just thoughts and puffs of air.
Many couples never come to counseling as they fear exposing conflict will worsen the situation or destroy the relationship. I am aware of these anxieties and will help you find the repairs and the language to have a successful marriage. |
“Commit yourself to building a lighthouse of honor in your relationship. Once you do that you’ll protect yourself from the storms that will come.” ~ Gary Smalley, Secrets to Lasting Love
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